Finding Gratitude Through Action

I’ve been trying to keep to a schedule (something I’ve struggled with a lot the last few years) and post a new blog every Thursday at 11 am. This past Thursday was Thanksgiving in the US and I didn’t get around to it. Now, I’m not going to get into the origins of Thanksgiving because I honestly don’t know them that well. I know American kids are lied to in school and told it was a beautiful coming together of the Indigenous People and the Colonizers and the real origin is much different. But since I don’t know it well enough, I’m not going to write about it.

What I am going to write about is gratitude. I know, I know another post about gratitude. There are so many, but this is my personal journey (so far) with gratitude.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was in high school. I was often told to start journaling in some way, shape, or form. I also once did a personal training package that included some lifestyle mentoring and was told to start a gratitude journal. The thing is, at those points in time, I wasn’t ready. Trying to find something I was grateful for when I was in the throws of depression, or hungry because I was in a calorie deficit, or having 3+ scoops of protein powder a day to hit my macros, was fucking hard. I wasn’t in a good mood or a good headspace.

Where I am at present, it’s easy for me to find gratitude. I quit my soul crushing government contracting job, I started coaching more circus, and while I fall into bed absolutely exhausted every night from all the running around my multiple jobs entail I actually feel content. My home is a lovely combination of cozy and circus, my roommate and I vibe so well, I have fluffy blankets, and snuggle-hungry cats that I adore more than anything. And the things is, I had all these things before. I had them while I was doing Morning Pages for The Audacity Project, and when I was supposed to do the gratitude for the personal training package.

It wasn’t a gratitude journal that got me to feel gratitude, which is often the suggestion. The “fake it til you make it” mindset. It was identifying the thing that was making me most unhappy (job) and taking the big scary leap (quitting to do circus-related jobs) that released the vice holding my happiness at arm’s reach and allowing me to feel real joy with the things I have. It feels more like I’m becoming the person I’m meant to be.

I’m not saying this was an easy process at all. And I recognize that it really is a privilege that I was able to make such a big job change. A lot of people need that soul crushing job to maintain their way of life, even if that way of life is “I can afford rent and food and not much else.” I had been wanting to leave contracting for a number of years. I switched jobs often looking for a job that wasn’t at odds with my morals, that I felt competent at executing, and paid the bills. I wasn’t finding it, so I started laying the foundation to leave with the amount of risk I felt comfortable.

This wasn’t an overnight process. I knew I was unhappy, I read self help books, I saved money, and took some other leaps first. Not every leap worked out, but the ones that did paved the way for the joy I feel today. The two things that gave me the most courage were reading Who You Were Meant to Be by Lindsay Gibson, and going through The Audacity Project with Rachel Strickland. I read Who You Were Meant to Be, which planted the seed and encouraged me to sign up for The Audacity Project. Rachel’s mentorship and her repeatedly telling me to do the damn thing. Then I re-read Who You Were Meant to Be.

Based on my experience, I don’t believe the “fake it til you make it” approach works for gratitude. When I tried it was very forced and felt so fake that it was grating for me. For me, the key to gratitude was putting myself in a position where it was easier to find joy. I may be exhausted, I may be out of the house more, but I am really enjoying this part of my journey.

I hope you all are able to put yourselves in a position where you’re able to feel joy and gratitude.

I invite you to explore the orchard, pick the fruit, and enjoy the spoils of your journey.